I won't go anywhere without a book, but what does that say about me?
Interrogating my inability to exist un-entertained
It was a typical morning, but make it slant. I exercised, ran errands, visited the podiatrist (what fun!) and did school pick-up — but I did it all without a book in tow. It was an accident I try to avoid.
You might be amazed at the number of times I was disappointed I didn’t have a book with me:
During the 10 minutes before yoga started when I typically lie on my mat and read
During my 15-minute post-yoga sauna session
While waiting for the doctor
While waiting in the parking lot for school to be done
When my son fell asleep in the car
Each of these moments were short, but when I’m asked where I find the time to read as much as I do, these brief stretches of time are the answers. The waiting. The in-between. The times many people might be irritated to be beholden to someone else’s schedule. Instead of feeling that way, I look these small time slots as opportunities to partake in my favorite thing: reading. As someone who is very cognizant of the passing of time, every minute counts. Every lapsed minute isn’t solely an indication of getting closer to the time I need to pick my kids up from school; it’s a minute I will never see again.
And that day I felt a (melodramatic, I’ll be honest) sense of loss when I was lying on the yoga mat without a book; when I was waiting for the doctor.
Why is that?
I want to interrogate the sense of loss I felt — the sense of wasted time and space — when I didn’t have a book with me. Why is it that before yoga I couldn’t do what everyone else does and stretch and prepare for the class? Why, when I was in the sauna with a woman and four men, one of whom was singing out loud to the music in his headphones, did I feel put out that I had to sit and observe or close my eyes and try to relax rather than read?
As a writer, I know observation is fundamental to creating realistic characters. I also know that witnessing people’s mannerisms and idiosyncrasies in real life could inform ideas for my novels. And still, rather than observe where the getting was good, I felt a familiar dissatisfaction, a pull toward something; the feeling of needing to be entertained. The same feeling that, presumably, compels millennials to spend an average of two hours and sixteen minutes on social media per day.
I don’t judge that. I checked my socials on many occasions during those waiting periods. And while I think my time would have been better spent reading a book, maybe what I needed most of all was to sit with my thoughts. To watch the interesting people around me. To notice the man who was now dancing in the sauna to the music he was singing along with, to listen to the conversation two men were having about steak.
If I am so frazzled by accidentally leaving my book at home, I think there is something I should be more concerned about than a missed opportunity: my inability to go a few minutes without being entertained.
My inability to simply be.
Next time I find myself without a book, I want to see how it feels to not check my email, to not open Substack or Instagram, to not text my best friends — and to just sit. See what comes up. I know discomfort will bubble to the surface, and I also know it’s something I need to deal with rather than escape into a new story, into someone else’s world.
People often praise readers for the number of books they finish in a month or a year, as if reading voraciously (always, the word voracious is used with regards to readers) is some achievement to celebrate. But what I realize now is that the volume of books I read in a given week or month might be an indication of my constant need for input, just like everyone else. What would happen if I intentionally began to leave the house without a book? Would I spend those stretches of waiting time scrolling on my phone, or is it possible I could sit, observe, think?
I don’t like it, but I’m going to try it. Maybe something good will come up.
What about you? How do you spend the time you’re waiting for pick-up? The 10 minutes before a yoga class? Do you also find yourself reaching for a book or your phone? How would you feel to resist the urge and just sit? Just be? Tell me in the comments below.
September reads
September was a nice reading month. I read two nonfiction titles, one Booker Prize winner, two debuts, and a stunning sophomore novel.
Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming The Parent You Want to Be by Dr. Becky Kennedy (review here)
Blue Sisters by Coco Mellors (review here)
The Truth According to Ember by Danica Nava
I’m Mostly Here to Enjoy Myself by Glynnis MacNicol
The Remains of the Day by Kazuo Ishiguro (a study on this coming next week)
What We Sacrifice for Magic by
In case you missed it, last week’s post was about the importance of pre-ordering for authors, something I am very passionate about.
What are you reading?
What I’m reading: Sandwich by Catherine Newman
Love,
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Thanks so much Christi! 15 minutes in the waiting room without a book sounds like a slog. Fifteen minutes with one sounds delightful — plus a maximization of time. 🙃
My father, who doesn’t read novels, has always criticized my mother for never being without a book. That she avoids dealing with the pathology of her mind by escaping into other worlds. I’ve always resented this, as it seems just another way for him to judge her unnecessarily for something she loves that he doesn’t understand. At an interview dinner, I stayed in my hotel room finishing Pillars of the Earth, instead of drinking with fellow applicants afterwards, not so much to avoid social interaction although that’s part of it, but mostly because it was so damn good. I have access to a book at all times be it on my kindle app on my phone, audible or a hard copy. But I write too and there are plenty of hours of the day to still be inspired and observant while also indulging book love. Escaping into stories feels good, whether you’re running from something in real life or running towards a beautifully constructed world. Either way, of course you’re going to be introspective about this because you’re a writer, but I’d say there’s no reason to change your habits.