I synthesize Dr. Becky's GOOD INSIDE so you don't have to read it and feel bad about yourself

Eight things to know without having to read the divisive parenting book

Becky Kennedy, the clinical psychologist famously known as Dr. Becky, is more polarizing than I would have ever thought.

Last week, I posted a picture of her book Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming The Parent You Want to Be on Instagram, saying I hadn’t yet finished the introduction and was already feeling bad about my parenting. My inbox blew up, a split between enthusiastic responses of I love her! to I had to unfollow her!

The Child’s Bath | Mary Cassatt

Here’s what she says in the introduction: “You will not see me recommend time-outs, sticker charts, punishments, rewards, or ignoring as a response to challenging behaviors.”

No rewards? No punishments? How does one not threaten to take away brand-new Goo Jit Zu toys when their son hits them? How does one effectively potty train without a complicated reward system involving candy and/or stickers or both?

The divide made me curious, so I read on. And guess what? I learned a lot, not only about how to better approach my children when they’re upset, but also about what I am and am not willing to implement in my own parenting.

Some of what Dr. Becky says is obvious (we want to distinguish behavior from underlying feelings) but serve as good reminders for stressed, over-worked parents. Some of what she says is extreme and, in my opinion, completely unrealistic. I don’t suggest everyone go read the book, but I do think she has some interesting things to say.

Below, I synthesize what I learned from Good Inside into digestible tidbits so you don’t have to read the book yourself and feel like a shitty parent. Becuase you are not! Even if you sometimes yell / bribe / reward.

The Most Generous Interpretation (MGI)

Dr. Becky urges parents to identify their most generous interpretation of what is going on in front of them. Say your child is crying because they don’t get to have ice cream for breakfast. In this instance, your MGI could be that your child is upset not necessarily about the ice cream, but because it’s hard meal after meal, day after day, in perpetuity, to not be in charge of the food they put into their bodies.

Simple, right? It could go for spouses and friends and colleagues, too. If we parents only implemented the MGI language into our mental vernacular, I think we’d take something positive from this book.

Focusing too much on behavior change can cause us to lose touch with our humanity

Dr. Becky continues the above sentiment: “We end up looking at ourselves and our children only for what we produce on the surface, without any regard to the elements that make us whole – our feelings, our fears, our needs, our compassion.”

I warned you it was a bit extreme. But she makes an interesting point. When my child is refusing to walk to school or crying about not getting to look at the monster trucks at Target, my survival instincts would tell me to stop the ruckus and move along. But focusing on the behavior — the crying, the refusal to do what I want — undermines the parts of my son that make him him. He is fiery and passionate. (Just like his mom. Must I fault him?)

Rather than trying to diminish “bad behaviors” (she puts this in quotes), Dr. Becky suggests parents recognize that under the behavior is a child who is “in pain, has an unmet need, and is in desperate need of connection.”

When you put it that way, it makes an angry parent sound like a monster. But if I look at it through Dr. Becky’s lens, I see that my son isn’t just hitting or screaming; he’s expressing that he’s unable to handle the emotions roiling around in his head. His tears are cries for help regulating.

How do we apply this to a troubling situation in which a kid is acting out? Dr. Becky provides questions to ask yourself during and after tough moments:

·      What is my most generous interpretation (MGI) of my child’s behavior?

·      What was going on for my child in that moment?

·      What was my child feeling right before that behavior emerged?

·      What does my child feel I don’t understand about them?

As for handling meltdowns at Target, I think, if I’m understanding correctly, we need to put aside our egos and try to connect rather than correct.

“We often seek to shut down a child’s tantrum in an attempt to shut out our own distress,” Dr. Becky says. “So the next time your child starts ‘losing it,’ before you do anything else, tell yourself: ‘Nothing is wrong with me, nothing is wrong with my child. I can cope with this.’”

Connection first

When a child is exhibiting untoward behaviors, Dr. Becky says the most important and effective thing you can do is to connect with your kid. This is … not always easy. Back to the meltdown at Target. It’s unrealistic that I am going to get on the floor and connect with my son (hug him, validate his feelings) rather than try to eliminate his behaviors. That said, I tried the connection-first approach with my daughter at home, and it worked quicker than I could have predicted.

She was upset about something and didn’t want to talk about it. She cried and yelled and ran to her room. Instead of trying to address her behaviors, I knocked on her door and said we didn’t have to talk, I just wanted to be with her. She let me in and I sat on the floor beside her. I opened my arms and she crawled into my lap, and I am not kidding when I say that in less than a minute her tears were gone and she was smiling. This, after exhibiting what was for her extremely big feelings.

They are a good kid having a hard time

Of everything I learned in this book, the simplest and most applicable tactic is to remind yourself that you have a good kid who is having a hard time. Kids are good inside; if they are behaving badly, they are still a good kid, they are just a good kid having a hard time.

The same goes for the neighbor kid who hurts your child’s feelings — she’s a good kid having a hard time. And for the classmate who told your kid she’s a bad artist: they are a good kid having a hard time regulating something inside of them. Kids are good; we must remember this.

What about a good kid having a tantrum? Tantrums are “a sign of one thing and one thing only: that a child cannot manage the emotional demands of a situation. In the moment of a tantrum, a child is experiencing a feeling, urge, or sensation that overwhelms his capacity to regulate that feeling, urge, or sensation.”

They are a good kid having a hard time regulating. We can help them regulate by being there, connecting, and validating.

Now, I have yet to stop a tantrum in its tracks by being physically present and trying to connect with my kids. But knowing this information has helped me feel less exasperated when the tantrums have come. That feels like a win.

It pays to validate

“One thing we know about feelings is that they are only scary if we are alone with them. If someone says to us, ‘Hey! You’re feeling [sad/scared/angry/left out]. That’s okay. I’m here. Tell me more,’ the feelings immediately start to subside. We no longer feel so overwhelmed. We feel safer.”

Even better is to tell them they were right to feel whatever it was they felt. Even when it comes to kids witnessing their parents argue, for example. You were right to notice mom and dad were bickering. Validating their concerns and observations teaches kids to trust their own feelings.

When things get physical

“Hitting, kicking, pinching, spitting, biting … these behaviors show us that a child’s body believes it is in danger and he is unable to regulate it in the moment, so he’s reacting the way any of us would in a dangerous situation: fierce self-protection.”

Understanding that kids are hard-wired, evolutionarily speaking, to fight when in perceived danger, gets parents thinking empathetically, which can have a big impact on their reactions.

When things get physical, the first thing to do, according to Dr. Becky, is to calmly tell them you won’t let them hurt [insert person — you, child, etc]. It might require a removal from the situation and even some restraint. By telling the kid you won’t let them do something, you’re letting them know that you are in control and you will contain the storm tearing through them. This is comforting, even if they might outwardly reject the notion that you are in control.

On confidence

Confidence is not about feeling “good,” Dr. Becky says. “It’s about believing, ‘I really know what I feel right now. Yes, this feeling is real, and yes, it’s allowed to be there, and yes, I am a good person while I am feeling this way.’ Confidence is our ability to feel at home with ourselves in the widest range of feelings possible, and it’s built from the belief that it’s okay to be who you are no matter what you’re feeling.”

Much of the book is about validating your child’s feelings, and this explains why. It’s okay to experience a smorgasbord of emotions; in fact it’s normal and healthy. What we, as parents, want to encourage is our children’s ability to be okay with feeling those feelings. And this requires validating how they feel. Because if we tell them to stop crying or that something wasn’t a big deal, it teaches them not to trust themselves. In other words, it tears down their confidence.

It is possible to repair

And it’s never too late.

This part of the book really stood out to me, this ability to repair incidents with our children. Even if a child doesn’t remember a specific argument she had with you, her body remembers, and that’s what Dr. Becky says motivates her to repair with her own children. According to the book, when you revisit a conversation or fight you had with your child and acknowledge if you did something you wish you hadn’t, validate their reactions, and share how you would do it differently, it helps the child rewire the memory in their body. By verbally reliving it, their physical reactions to it can change. Many times through the book Dr. Becky reminds parents it’s never too late. Did you say or do something to your child a decade ago that you wish you hadn’t? You can revisit it with them, even if they are now adults, and this conversation can help rewire the situation in their body.

For younger children, she says, “By returning to the scene of the emotional fire and layering on connection, empathy, and understanding, you add key elements of regulation on top of the moment of dysregulation. Then, the next time your child has a hard time, these elements will be easier to access.”

So you’re not just repairing a past incident, but hopefully working toward more manageable incidents in the future.

Okay. This is a lot. (Imagine how it feels to read the book!) I hope this post has helped you gain a small understanding about the concept of Good Inside. If the above resonates, you might be interested in the book. Just remember: you are a good parent, even if you use sticker charts!

Do you follow Dr. Becky? What are your thoughts on her approach? Share in the comments below!

What I’m reading: Blue Sisters by Coco Mellors

Love,

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